Wise Awareness (​Kumāra Bhikkhu's Blog)

From time to time, people come to me for advice on parenting, despite the fact that I have zero parenting experience. It suggests that they’ve gotten pretty frustrated. I try my best, but eventually I realize that the best for me is to draw from my experience of being parented. So let me start by telling you about my mother. (I’m sure she’s going to freak out when she reads this.) My Mother as an Exemplary Parent My mother has never read any book or attended any course on parenting. Yet, she has been an amazing parent. She has never spoiled or overprotected us. In fact, as soon as I was capable of doing certain household chores, she had me do them. She has also never made us feel small or like a failure. Neither has she ever been controlling. She is authoritative without being authoritarian. For example, when she learnt that I bullied my brother, she was sure to make me see that what I did was wrong. But I’ve never felt that she was controlling, or that she loved me less. Amazing, isn’...

Lay people generally have limited time for meditation retreats. Because of that, it makes sense that they want to make the best of the time they can afford. So, how can you do that? Firstly, have right information about the practice . How can we be sure we have right information? If it’s right, it should not lead us to increase stress. In fact, it should lead us to decrease stress. If it’s the opposite, it can’t be right information. Do not try to attain something , or else, you are sure to suffer more than you did before the retreat. Why? Because that’s cultivating greed, and with it you will—consciously or not—try to manipulate your mind to be as the way you want. This attitude puts you squarely on the wrong track. Instead of decreasing stress, you will increase it. What you need instead is to think of how you should practise : Are you having right attitude (which is the opposite of the above)? With right attitude, you are not trying to get something, nor are you trying to get rid...

The jhānas are not gained by trying to gain them. They are gained by abandoning that which prevents them, i.e. the “five hindrances”. So, instead of thinking about how to gain the jhānas, we need to think about how to abandon the five hindrances. There are basically two ways: Establishing of mindfulness Personalized practice for mental settling Establishing of Mindfulness This is usually taught first. We start with basic mindfulness, that is, observing the body: what the body does and how it feels. The idea is to establish proper mindfulness: remembering to be aware, remembering to relax, remembering the right view and right attitude. (For details on the basic practice, please refer to  Open Awareness Meditation: a quick introduction .) We need to learn how to maintain awareness all day long, which takes time and interest. When we can maintain awareness  persistently , mindfulness is said to be established. As one’s awareness grows stronger, one begins to notice...

Let me connect two traditions that have been very influential in relieving suffering: Buddhism and modern psychotherapy. I shall discuss them in terms of aim, effectiveness and approach. In doing so, I shall show what they share, and also point out where they differ. The most significant way I shall connect the two is to show that the two traditions have far more agreements than most people think. In fact, they agree so much that I’ve conveniently drawn up a framework by which the two can learn from each other, and therefore improve each one’s own knowledge in the work of relieving suffering. Aim and Effectiveness While Buddhism and modern psychotherapy share the aim of relieving suffering, a key difference is the extent and permanency of that relief. Sigmund Freud famously said that “The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.” That was more than 100 years ago. Nowadays, psychotherapy does much better, in that...

Have you met emotionally cold people? I have. In fact, I was one. Why was I emotionally cold? Because I thought I was supposed to be. I didn’t label it that way, of course. My labels for it were “detached”, “equanimous”, and even “mindful”. This attitude didn’t stop me from being helpful to others, but it did make me superficial in how I relate to them. It disconnected me from others. Eventually, I realized that it was a defence mechanism. Being emotionally cold, being disconnected was a way to protect myself from being hurt. By being emotionally disconnected from others, I didn’t form close relationships. In my belief then, being so saved me from having to face problems in relationships. Did it work? Nope. In fact, being emotionally cold is a problem in itself, and creates problems with others. When I was being cold, I became insensitive to the feelings of others, I became careless in how I related to others. So, is there another way? Going by the Suttas, the Buddha never seemed...

Sometimes, we know we need to face an issue—to say or do something—yet there’s so much resistance within us that we just can’t do it . For example, you want to tell a colleague to stop passing his work to you, yet you find it very difficult to bring yourself to do it. Every time you think about it, you feel so uncomfortable that you abandon the idea. It may be that you are afraid he will retaliate. It may be that you strangely feel guilty about not sacrificing yourself. Whatever the reason may be, if you want to be able to do what you need to do, the below may be the missing key for you. The discomfort you feel hinders your need to do what you need to do. So, how then can you lessen that discomfort so that you can do it? Think about doing what you need to do. As the discomfort arises, regard it as just discomfort, just a feeling. Tell yourself, “Feeling is just feeling.” When the discomfort fades away, do Step 1 and 2 again. You will find that each time you do it again...

“Temporary ordination” has become so common in the Buddhist world now that it’s taken for granted as part of Buddhism. However, during the Buddha’s time, there wasn’t such a thing. There were people who donned the robes and later disrobed, but they didn’t don the robes with the intention to disrobe. These days, however, donning the robes with the intention to disrobe has become common, and we call that “temporary ordination”. Although this ritual has been sometimes promoted as a way to bring about character transformation, usually people do it to gain merits, or to fulfil a vow, or both. Sometimes, it may even be an avenue for psychological avoidance. Temporary ordination also happens sometimes in meditation retreat centres, where lay people get ordained just for the period of their stay. Bhante Aggacitta calls them “lay yogis in robes”. In essence, he’s right. Think about it: They haven’t really renounced their worldly life. If they are married, they still are. If they have a pai...

Often, I meet Buddhists who, despite having tried for years to practise Dhamma, remain stuck in unhappy conditions. What gives? They usually blame it on some past kamma. And some blame it on invisible “karmic creditors” (冤亲债主) who are haunting them. Either way, they don’t see how they can work their way out through Dhamma practice. Before I get to what they can do, let me state this: Buddhism does not equal Dhamma. The two terms are often equated by Buddhists, but that’s a misunderstanding. Just think about it: There are obviously a variety of “Buddhisms” and they differ, sometimes in contradicting ways. Can they all possibly be the Dhamma as taught by the Buddha? So, Buddhism cannot equal Dhamma. What then is Dhamma? It can mean a lot of things, but the meaning I want to focus on is being the way leading to the ending of suffering. So, when people don’t end their suffering despite having made effort, clearly, something is missing. I too was somewhat in that situation. Traditional ...

Some peope say you shouldn't meditate if you have mental illness. They are partly right. You shouldn’t do concentration meditation, as that can easily worsen your condition. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t meditate at all, or can’t benefit from meditation at all. Meditation can relieve you of mental illness if you do the right kind of meditation correctly. People with mental illness have an unsettled mind, which exhausts them. In this situation, you need to find a way to settle the mind. Let me suggest a way: Breathe in. Feel the body. Relax the body as you breathe out. That’s it. Yes, it’s that simple. No need to close your eyes or sit cross-legged. Do this as regularly as you can throughout the day. It’s okay if you forget. That’s normal. When you know you’ve forgotten, just start again. Be kind to yourself. Remembering to meditate throughout the day takes years of practice. As you keep practising this way, the length of time you remember will grow, and the length of tim...