Beware of Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing: Protect Yourself from Hidden Personality Disorders

Sometimes I meet people who suffer because they are unknowingly living or working with someone who has a personality disorder. It’s important to be aware of such disorders, as being with individuals who have them can be distressing.

When we think of mental illness, we usually think of conditions like schizophrenia, depression and anxiety disorders—conditions that are either very obvious or that people usually seek help for. We don’t usually think of another category of mental illness: personality disorders.

There are many kinds of personality disorders, but let me speak of two which are not so obvious but surely worth knowing for our own protection: Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

“Antisocial” here does not mean “unsociable”. In fact, individuals with this disorder may appear highly sociable. They are antisocial in the sense that they are hostile or disruptive to social norms. They lack empathy and remorse, and may be violent. Many are manipulative and deceitful, and so they can cause much harm long before others realize what’s happening.

The disruptive behaviour of people with ASPD is often so different from the norm that it can be difficult to recognize. For example, they can make you believe they are helping you while, in reality, they are ruining your life. They also can make you wrongly believe that someone close to you is worsening your life. Yes, those fictional characters who enjoy messing up others’ lives do exist in real life.

If you think such people are rare, think again. An estimated 0.6% to 3.6% of adults have ASPD (Source: Psychiatry.org). So, we do need to be aware of this disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for admiration. They are excessively self-absorbed, lack empathy, and exploit others to achieve their goals. An estimated 1% to 2% of the U.S. population has NPD (Source: Psychiatry.org).

One type of this disorder is the Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder (CNPD). This type has the same characteristics as the overt NPD, but differs in that individuals with CNPD fear a negative public image. Thus, they mask their narcissism with covert tactics. For example, instead of overt criticism, they make snide remarks. They also indulge in guilt-tripping. As such, their victims don’t have any clear evidence of their aggression. Alongside their covert aggression, they act as if they have empathy. In that way, they can cover up their aggression. By doing bad while appearing good, they can cause even more harm.

Note: Any of the above disorders can also exist as one of the personalities in a person with Multiple Personality Disorder (now officially known as Dissociative Identity Disorder). In this case, the person behaves in the above ways only under certain circumstances. The condition is more complex, possibly less harmful for people around them, but still worth knowing for our own protection. This disorder affects about 1.5% of the global population (Source: ncbi.nlm.nih.gov).

Recognizing the Signs and Fact-Checking

When under the manipulation of someone with ASPD or CNPD, it can be difficult to recognize it—even if others tell you. However, you can watch for certain signs:

  • Reduction in self-confidence, especially when you're around that person.
  • Vague sense of anxiety or resentment in relation to that person.
  • Frequent confusion when interacting with that person.
To be more certain that someone has ASPD, fact-check their stories, especially those you find doubtful. People with ASPD often tell highly distorted or even completely made-up stories about themselves and others.

Protecting Yourself

If you suspect that someone you live or work with has any one of the above personality disorders, it's important to safeguard your psychological well-being. Here are a few things to do:
  • Limit contact: Even if you love this person, reduce your exposure to him/her as much as possible.
  • “Go gray rock”: If and when you need to be with this person, protect yourself by going gray rock. This means “becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be”. (Ellen Biros)
  • Seek support: If you are unable to avoid this person, have been emotionally traumatized, or tend to get attracted to such people, do get help from a therapist.

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