How To Deal With People Who Often Criticize You

Having people, or even just one person, in your life who is constantly critical of you can be very challenging. It’s possible that they don’t know the harm that they are causing. In any case, you’re the one having a problem and so you’re the one to do something about it. You need to find a suitable way to stop being constantly criticized.

You first need to find out why they behave this way. There are a few possible reasons:

  1. They have a spoiled entitlement schema. They feel entitled to criticize you.

  2. They have an unrelenting standards schema. They can’t stand standards lower than their expectations, which they feel are normal and justified.

  3. They have a defectiveness schema. They try to feel better about themselves by putting others down.

If they have a spoiled entitlement schema, your chances of getting them to stop is very slim.

The only way they would even consider changing their behaviour, is being under the threat of losing something that they want from you, e.g. employment, food, accommodation, love, money. If you have such leverage, then you can try to use it to your full advantage. If you don’t, then your only resort is to leave or minimize contact with this person.

If they don’t have a spoiled entitlement schema, but have an unrelenting standards schema, your chances of getting them to stop is better than the above.

Express your feelings. Let them know how their criticism is affecting you. Example: “I feel hurt when you constantly point out my mistakes.”

Set boundaries. First, determine what kind of criticism you’re willing to accept and how much. Then, tell that to the person. Examples:

  1. “I want you to refrain from pointing out my every little mistake. But if you notice me making the same mistake repeatedly, please tell me.”
  2. “I don’t like personal attacks. If you want to offer feedback, please focus on constructive criticism.”
  3. “I like constructive criticism, but I can’t handle too much of that in a short time. So, please let me have not more than one constructive criticism a day.”

It’s possible that the person refuses to change no matter what you say. In that case, you may have to minimize contact with this person for your own mental health.

If they don’t have a spoiled entitlement schema, but have an unrelenting standards schema as a way to fight what underlies that, i.e. their defectiveness schema, your chances of getting them to stop may be even better.

Express your feelings and set boundaries as mentioned above. If doing these does not help them to change, consider suggesting that they seek professional help.

If, for whatever reason, you simply can’t deal with the situation, consider seeking professional help. A competent therapist can provide you support and strategies that suit your situation.

Summary

We need to know the difference between fair criticism and excessive or unreasonable criticism. Occasional criticism that is fair and not demeaning is reasonable, and we should be willing to accept that. However, if someone criticizes us excessively or unreasonably, it is neither healthy for us nor them. We need to find a suitable way to get the person to stop, or we need to stay away from the person.

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