A Lost Father

I happened to meet a man who knew me before he became a monk some months earlier, so that he could “repair his heart”. He asked me about how one could ‘Buddhistize’ one’s family. I said there’s no need to. “One just needs to cultivate oneself and the children will follow.” “So we shouldn’t force them to attend Buddhist class and chanting?” “Of course not. That will only make them dislike Buddhism,” I said. “Yes, that’s true. My elder daughter said, ‘Papa, you always talk about suffering, suffering, suffering. We’re already suffering enough! I don’t want to go anymore.’” I chuckled. After a pause I said, “What’s important is that you behave well. Children learn through imitation, and they have the innate ability to recognize good when they see it. When they see good in you, they are inclined to follow.” He nodded quietly. He then left to do something, but came again, eager to learn he could make things better. Seeing sincerity in him to improve himself, I spent two hours answering his questions and counter-questioning him to have him think for himself. It was time well spent. We met again the next day. “I slept very well last night,” he said. So it seemed it wasn’t hard to ‘repair’ his heart. “I did a lot of thinking last evening. I know what I must do now, that is, to set a good example, but I feel too ashamed to face my daughter, and my wife, and my parents.” “So, you want to keep running away?” “I can’t keep running away anymore. I’m getting tortured by guilt. You know, this morning, when I saw some girls my daughter’s age, I cried.” He paused, then said, “I’m thinking of disrobing after this walking journey.” (He’s on a walking journey 30+ monks.) That didn’t seem like a good idea to me. I said, “If we’ve decided to do what’s right, we should try to do it as soon as we can. If not, defilements may slowly creep in and we end up not doing it.” “That’s what I’m afraid of too.” Obviously this man was still struggling over the decision. So I asked, “Where are you stuck?” “I’m stuck in two areas. One, I’ve nowhere to go. I’ve given up everything. My wife told me not to see her again. And I can’t go to my parents. Two, I’ve committed to this walking journey.” “On the second one, the purpose of it has been achieved.” “That’s true!” “So, one cleared. Now, on the first one, you can stay in the monastery first as a helper, then find your way from there.” He then told me that actually he already had a job offer, to work as a hair-stylist, which was his profession, and the offer included free lodging. “So, job and lodging is settled,” I said. “What you need to do now is not to go back to your family, but to re-establish yourself, as you say, to become a good example.”

Note: Becoming a monk is not for running away. It’s for facing. You can run away from your family, but you still have to face yourself.