Cultivate Confidence: Two Ways in the Suttas

When Ajahn Sumedho was a young monk, his teacher Ajahn Chah asked him to reflect on his virtues. Ajahn Chah must have noticed the young Ajahn Sumedho’s self-criticalness, and understood the need for him to recognize his own virtues.

Notice that Ajahn Chah did not ask him to become more virtuous, but just to reflect on virtues that he already had. However, much as the young Ajahn Sumedho tried, he couldn’t think of any.

That’s how it is when we have low self-esteem and thus low confidence. We may think so lowly of ourselves that we can’t recognize the good in us. Just as it was for the young Ajahn Sumedho, some of us lack confidence, which is important for happy living in this world, and also necessary for the ending of suffering.

The Suttas offer two methods to cultivate confidence: recollection of our own good behaviour and recollection of our own generosity.

Recollection of Good Behaviour

Good behaviour includes acting out of integrity, bravery, honesty, prudence, etc. When we recollect the times we acted in these ways, we get to recognize the goodness within us. Doing so brings about a positive self-image, which becomes a powerful source of confidence.

I suggest that you write down these acts of good behaviour. Just as it was with the young Ajahn Sumedho, you may have difficulty thinking of any. In this case, please ask your relatives and friends for help. (Be careful not to ask those who tend to be critical of you. Moreover, you need to minimize contact with such people. If they are the source of your low self-esteem, then even more so.)

You may be surprised how much more easily others can think of your good behaviour compared to you. That’s probably because they don’t downplay your good points as you do. If they offer only general descriptions of your good behaviour, ask them for specific examples, so that you may be convinced. If the good behaviour they point out seems to you like something common to everyone, check if that’s true. Does everyone you know really have this good behaviour?

It’s best if you can bring about a little notebook for this purpose. Whenever you notice yourself acting out of goodness, write it down. At the end of the day, reflect on those actions. Then on the next morning, reflect on them again. Feel the truth in them.

Recollection of Generosity

Generosity can come in many forms, e.g. giving something, providing help, saying something useful to someone, being an empathetic listener.

Here too I suggest that you write them down. And, as above, feel free to ask others for help. Write down every act of generosity you do in your daily life, and reflect on them. If this seems stupid to you now, trust me, the effect will be a whole lot more positive than you can imagine. As you become more conscious of your generosity, you may find it increasingly easier to add to the list as you go along.

By recollecting our own good behaviour and generosity, we become increasingly conscious of the innate goodness in us. This effectively shifts our assessment of ourselves at a very fundamental level, thereby increasing our self-confidence.

I recommended this to a student of mine who was in a great need to uplift her confidence. She took it seriously, and wrote down even things that some might consider unimportant, such as saying “good morning” to the security guard.

When I met her a year later, she looked so different that it surprised me. In fact, she looked attractive, as confident people do. She also looked much more grounded.

Another benefit of recognizing our goodness is that it creates positive feelings towards goodness, thereby encouraging us to cultivate them further. With that, we then have even more good qualities to recollect.

You might ask, “If we keep thinking of our goodness, wouldn’t we become egoistic?” Actually, no. We only become more confident. Egoistic people don’t base their ego on their goodness. They just believe that they are greater than others. If your mind resists thinking of your good qualities, believing that doing so will make you egoistic, I suggest asking yourself why? How did you come to have such an idea?

Think of it like this: If you’re doing business, wouldn’t you need to know what you’re selling, and how good your products are? Is that being egoistic? Knowing your good qualities is like knowing your products as a businessperson. You need that for confidence.

People who lack confidence have difficulty reflecting on their good qualities but have no trouble listing their bad ones. Are they being fair to themselves?

I’m not suggesting that you pat yourself on the back all day long. I’m just suggesting being fair to yourself. It's about cultivating a balanced view. We want to be honest with ourselves, to see ourselves with clear eyes.

So, why not give it a try? Start that little notebook, jot down those acts of goodness, big or small. Reflect on them, let them sink in. After some months, you might be surprised at the confidence you discover within yourself.