Understanding Anger with Kindness

Part 1

Some people on the spiritual path think that they should not be angry with others, especially their parents. They are okay about being angry with themselves though, and perhaps even regard it as a virtue.

Anger is anger. Whomever or whatever you’re angry with, it’s still anger. No one kind of anger is more acceptable (or virtuous) than others.

Anger is just anger. To see anger as yours complicates the matter, and therefore traps you within the pattern of anger.

Anger is not your enemy (though neither is it your friend). Disliking anger is but another anger. With that, you have more anger, not less.

Perhaps you think you need to dislike anger, so that you can control it, suppress it. Indeed, that is possible. But still, in doing so, you have more anger, not less. Not being able to feel it doesn’t mean it’s gone. In fact, you then have a bigger problem.

Suppressed anger is like a bomb waiting to be triggered. While you might deem the suppression a virtue, or a spiritual necessity, how is exploding in anger a virtue? The spiritual necessity here is not in suppressing, but in understanding.

When you’re angry, you should be (just as when you’re not angry, you should not be). I don’t mean being angry is good. Nor do I mean you should express your anger on someone. I mean when the conditions are such that you get angry, you cannot not be angry. So, why shouldn’t you be angry under those conditions? I just mean that it has to happen when conditions are there for it to happen. It can’t be otherwise.

What you want to do when it happens though, is to create the conditions for the anger to end, and to learn how not to get angry again. This is a job that requires understanding.

Part 2

As explained in Part 1, we get angry because there are conditions for the anger to happen. So, it’s a natural phenomenon. This understanding is right view. When we see it merely as a natural phenomenon, we don’t try to get rid of it, or get involved with it. This is right attitude.

Doing the above allows you to regard the anger objectively, thus putting you in the proper position to investigate: What’s the cause of this anger? Is there something that I want that I’m not getting? What do I want?

If you can see it (e.g., “I want him to admit he’s wrong”), then ask yourself: Is there any peaceful reason to hold on to it?

If you can’t see it, let it be. Don’t try to find out. Also, don’t guess. Guessing isn’t seeing. Being eager for answers is wrong attitude. You’re already interested to know, and that’s enough. When you will see it depends on conditions.

However, don’t investigate as yet if the anger is overwhelming, preventing you from having right attitude. In this case, just bring your attention to the body, breathe, and relax. Keep doing this until you don’t feel overwhelmed by the anger. Then apply right view and right attitude. When these two are in place, then you can investigate.

In conclusion, understanding anger is the key to dealing with it effectively. By cultivating a detached, observant attitude, we can investigate the root cause of our anger. This self-awareness allows us to address the underlying issues and ultimately prevent future anger from arising. Remember, patience is necessary. Don't force answers, and settle the mind first if needed. With consistent practice, you will find your anger less intense and less likely to happen.

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