Caring for Someone With Dementia Without Losing Your Mind

“What’s the time now?”

You’ve answered that same question heaps of times. Should you ignore it this time? Should you just patiently answer it again? Or should you just finally let out your pent-up anger?

If you’ve cared for someone with dementia, you may have had such episodes.

Perhaps your mother insists that she needs to go home that home no longer exists. Maybe your father keeps accusing you of taking his things that he himself misplaced.

After having such experiences more times than you can endure, you may lose your temper.

Then comes the guilt.

I shouldn't have shouted. I should be more patient.

But is telling yourself to “be more patient” actually going to solve the problem?

Probably not.

Because caring for someone with dementia isn't simply a test of your patience. It is a test of your understanding of yourself and them.

Why Are They So Unreasonable?

The most important thing to understand is that a person with dementia cannot mentally function as they could before.

You may think, “I've already answered that five times. Can’t he remember? Why ask again?” That’s a good question. And the answer is, he probably has forgotten, because he has dementia. Can you remember that?

You may think, “She’s so unreasonable!” Well, she has to be. She has dementia. She cannot reason like she used to. When you expect a person with dementia to be reasonable, are you being reasonable?

What Should You Do Then?

Since they have poor working memory, use that to your advantage.

Suppose your father says, “I want to go home.”

Knowing that he’s speaking of a home that no longer exists, don’t bother telling him that. Instead of that, distract him with something that he likes: a particular food, a piece of music, etc.

What if They Harm You?

Just because the person has dementia doesn’t mean you must bear with everything they do. You should still protect yourself.

If the person hits you, threatens you, or behaves in any way that harms or endangers you, you should take appropriate action.

There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself.

What if You Are Getting Overwhelmed?

Caring for someone with dementia isn’t easy. If you need help from others, ask. You don’t have to handle it all on your own.

If you’re getting overwhelmed yet ignore it and push on, eventually, you will break down. Then it will not be good even for the person you’re caring for. So, please get help.

If siblings can share the responsibility, share it. If someone else can take over for an afternoon, let them. If you can afford to pay for help, consider it.

Also, there’s no need to feel guilty about taking breaks. You are human. You deserve them.

What if They Say Hurtful Things?

This may be one of the hardest things to accept. After having done so much for them, the person may still say things that hurt you.

Again, remember: This person has dementia, and therefore cannot be expected to control their emotions.

If you take the comment personally, sure, it’ll hurt. If it does, try not to react verbally or physically. If necessary, move away to give yourself a chance to calm down.

Conclusion

Caring for someone with dementia doesn't require you to lose your mind. It requires you to understand the mind—theirs and your own—and act wisely.

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