How To Not Feel Hurt When Criticized

Although some people believe they can choose not to feel hurt when criticized, the reality is that most people can’t help but feel hurt. If you struggle with this, this article is for you.

First, let me explain why criticism feels painful:

If someone pokes you where there is no wound, would it hurt? No. But what if there is a wound? It would hurt, wouldn’t it? In fact, even a gentle touch on the wound can still be painful.

Similarly, if someone criticizes you when you have a psychological wound that is sensitive to criticism, you’ll feel hurt. Even a gentle remark about a fault may hurt. But if no such wound exists, criticism won’t affect you.

As long as the psychological wound remains in you, getting criticized will hurt. Therefore, the key to not feeling hurt is to heal the wound.

Here’s what you need to do:

  1. Notice your reaction when criticized.

    • Do you do anything behaviourally (e.g., finding something to eat) to avoid feeling hurt?
    • Do you fight back verbally or mentally?
    • Do you replay the criticism in your head?
    • Do you mentally resist the hurt feeling?

  1. If you do anything behaviourally to avoid feeling hurt, try to stop.

  2. If you fight back verbally, try to stop.

  3. If you only react mentally (e.g., criticizing the person or replaying the criticism):

    • Notice what you’re doing.
    • Notice how it feels. Ask yourself: Is it peaceful or stressful?

  1. If you mentally resist feeling hurt, acknowledge the resistance as it is, until it fades.

  2. If you’re simply feeling hurt:

    • Be patient with the emotion.
    • Remind yourself: "Feeling is just feeling. It’ll pass." Let it take its own course.

On top of that,

  1. Recognize your inner goodness. See Cultivate Confidence: Two Ways in the Suttas.

  2. Stop allowing people to be hypercritical towards you. The wound can’t heal if someone keeps poking it. See How To Deal With Someone Who Often Criticizes You.

The psychological wound that is vulnerable to criticism is called the Defectiveness Schema in Schema Therapy. For details, including steps to undo it, check out Chapter 12: The Defectiveness Lifetrap in Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young & Janet Klosko.

Parting Words

Criticism can sting, and it has to when it still does. The pain you feel shows you an old wound asking to be healed. As you keep working on healing the wound, criticism will gradually feel less hurtful.

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