Assertiveness as Proper Speech: Finding Your Voice with Wisdom

Part 1: Assertiveness Aligns with Proper Speech

Many people have trouble with being assertive. If you’re Buddhist, you might even regard assertiveness as a form of wrong speech. However, assertiveness actually aligns with the Buddhist concept of proper speech (sammā-vācā).

Proper speech isn’t just about not saying certain things—it’s also about saying certain things. If merely not saying certain things counts as proper speech, then someone in a coma would be practising it perfectly.

When you should say something but don’t say it, you’ll suffer in one way or another. For example, if a colleague takes advantage of you by making you do their work, what do you do? You might stay silent and keep doing their work. You might tell yourself, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” But is it really okay? Thoughts can lie, but feelings don’t.

If you allow things to stay unchanged, you’ll eventually either explode or implode. Exploding means suddenly yelling at the person bullying you. Imploding means turning that anger inward, hating yourself for being an easy pushover. You may have already done one of these.

If you have difficulty accepting that assertiveness is necessary, consider this: Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. It’s about daring to express yourself truthfully and clearly. By being assertive, you’re not bossing anyone around, putting them down, or using abusive language. You simply say what needs to be said.

Perhaps the word “assertiveness” itself is part of the problem, as it may suggest aggressiveness. What if we called it “safeguarding personal interests”? Does that sound better?

Take the case of this woman whose husband has a sense of entitlement. For decades, she shouldered most of the responsibilities at home. I guided her on how to confront him. And since she had seriously considered leaving, I also advised her to state that as the consequence if he refused to change. She did as I advised. As a result, the husband became more cooperative, bringing peace to their household.

Part 2: How to Be Assertive the Proper Way

To develop assertiveness, it’s more effective if you do it systematically:

  1. Identify situations where you struggle with assertiveness.

  2. Determine what you need to say to who in those situations—write it down.

  3. Start from in the easiest request first.

  4. Gradually move to more challenging requests as you gain confidence.

Additional tips:

  • Expect mistakes. You might over-assert or under-assert—that’s normal. Forgive yourself. You’re still practising.

  • Buy yourself time when pressured for an immediate response. Say, “Let me get back to you later.” If asked how much time you need, give yourself ample time.

  • If you feel agitated at the thought of being assertive, just breathe in a relaxed way, observe your body, and wait until the agitation settles. Only after that do you make your move. (For more on this, see How to Settle the Mind to Face an Issue.)

As your assertiveness improves, you’ll notice greater self-confidence. You’ll also become more truthful about what you want or don’t want, and what you like or don’t like. You’ll of course also stop exploding or imploding. As such, you’ll grow spiritually and suffer less.

Sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Giving Gifts or Giving Burden?

Image
Lay Buddhists are often taught the importance of giving (dāna)—especially to monastics—as a meritorious act. While this practice is deeply rooted in the Buddhist tradition, it has led to a growing concern: the excessive giving of gifts to monastics, resulting in monasteries having to deal with unnecessary possessions. Monastics do depend on lay people to give them what they need. However, when the giving becomes excessive, it creates a burden for the monastics. Their monasteries can become cluttered with items they neither need nor want. In this situation, the gifts have become a burden. To address this issue, lay Buddhists should be advised to practice wise giving . This involves considering the true needs of the recipient and the potential result of the giving. Instead of giving out of religious piety or a desire to gain merit, one can give wisely. What do the monastics really need? If you want to give but don't know what the monastics really need, you can always ask them. By g...
Read more

Beware of Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing: Protect Yourself from Hidden Personality Disorders

Sometimes I meet people who suffer because they are unknowingly living or working with someone who has a personality disorder. It’s important to be aware of such disorders, as being with individuals who have them can be distressing. When we think of mental illness, we usually think of conditions like schizophrenia, depression and anxiety disorders—conditions that are either very obvious or that people usually seek help for. We don’t usually think of another category of mental illness: personality disorders . There are many kinds of personality disorders, but let me speak of two which are not so obvious but surely worth knowing for our own protection: Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) . Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) “Antisocial” here does not mean “unsociable”. In fact, individuals with this disorder may appear highly sociable. They are antisocial in the sense that they are hostile or disruptive to social norms. They lack empat...
Read more

How To Deal With People Who Often Criticize You

Having people, or even just one person, in your life who is constantly critical of you can be very challenging. It’s possible that they don’t know the harm that they are causing. In any case, you’re the one having a problem and so you’re the one to do something about it. You need to find a suitable way to stop being constantly criticized. You first need to find out why they behave this way. There are a few possible reasons: They have a spoiled entitlement schema . They feel entitled to criticize you. They have an unrelenting standards schema . They can’t stand standards lower than their expectations, which they feel are normal and justified. They have a defectiveness schema . They try to feel better about themselves by putting others down. If they have a spoiled entitlement schema , your chances of getting them to stop is very slim. The only way they would even consider changing their behaviour, is being under the threat of losing something that they want ...
Read more