How To Be Yourself

I’ve written about the importance of being yourself. In that article, I gave four examples:

  1. You’re not feeling confident. Then don’t act as if you’re confident.

  2. You don’t know. Then don’t act as if you know.

  3. You want something. Then don’t act as if you don’t want it.

  4. You’re offended by a joke. Then don’t act as if you’re okay with it.

Using these examples, let’s explore how to be yourself.

What If You Just Can’t Be Yourself?

Firstly, what if no matter how hard you try, you just can’t be yourself?

That’s okay. Don’t force yourself to change. Forcing it won’t work and might even backfire.

The solution is simple: When you notice that you’re not being yourself, just observe your behaviour and how it feels.

Doing this will gradually shift your mindset in a profound way, and the pretending will fade naturally. When that happens, you can come back and read the rest of this article.

Regarding the First Two Examples

In the first two examples (and similar situations), when you stop pretending, the feeling underlying the pretending becomes obvious to you. Others might not notice, but you will. This feeling is uncomfortable, I know, because I’ve been there. Even though it felt uneasy, I knew I didn’t want to go back to pretending—because pretending is stressful, and I’d had enough of it.

You need to be willing to tolerate the discomfort. As the saying goes in emotional healing: You can’t heal what you can’t feel.

Of course, just feeling it doesn’t heal it. You also need two things:

  • Right view: Regard the feeling as just a feeling.

  • Right attitude: Don’t resist or suppress it. Let it be.

Behind this feeling are beliefs about yourself. Examine each one:

  1. Is it true? (If no, skip to question 3.)

  2. Can you be 100% certain it’s true?

  3. When you believe it, what happens to you?

  4. If you don’t have this belief, what kind of person would you be?

Then, consider the opposite of that belief, and find at least three examples that support the opposite. (Note: This method is taken from Byron Katie’s “The Work”.)

Regarding the Other Two Examples

For the third and fourth examples (and similar situations), you may need to do more than just stop pretending—you may need to speak your truth. However, you might find this incredibly difficult. You might even try to tell yourself you don’t really mind it. But check your feelings—they never lie.

If you know you should say something but still can’t, that’s okay. However, ask yourself: Why?

  • Are you afraid of feeling guilty?

  • Are you trying to avoid potential retaliation?

If you fear guilt:

Ask yourself: If I stay silent, what’s the long-term effect? How has my past experience been? Do I want to keep repeating this pattern?

In truth, the guilty feeling is unpleasant. However, it’s also tolerable. If you want to break the cycle, you must be willing to tolerate the feeling and let it pass naturally. To make this process easier, remind yourself of right view and right attitude mentioned earlier.

If you fear retaliation:

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen? Is it worse than staying stuck in this pattern?

In truth, even if you logically know the fear is irrational, it may stay on. But like all emotions, it’s impermanent. If you want freedom, you need to be willing to tolerate the fear, and let it pass naturally.

Each time you allow these feelings to pass naturally, your attitude towards them changes. You become less afraid of them, and so they have less power over you.

(For more help, see: How to Settle the Mind to Face an Issue.)

Their Reaction is Their Business

When people are used to the old you, they are likely to be surprised—or perhaps even displeased—when you start being assertive. Ask yourself: Is their reaction their business or mine?

How about letting them mind their business while you mind yours? If they refuse to accept the new you, that’s their business. But then, you may need to decide whether the relationship is worth keeping.

Final Thoughts

Learning to be yourself takes time. It requires self-awareness, willingness to feel discomfort, and courage to act. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. What matters is that you're taking steps to be more real and be freer to be yourself.

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