Wise Awareness (​Kumāra Bhikkhu's Blog)

Part 1 A young man came to me for help: He was addicted to porn. He cried as he told me, “If you can’t help me, then I don’t know what to do anymore.” Immediately, I felt sorry for him. I said to him, “There’s something good about you: You want to improve.” He thought about it, and stopped crying. Recognizing that fact seemed to help him feel better about himself. After discussing with him in order to understand his situation better, I suggested some strategies. (I didn’t have to go into the details of those strategies because he had attended my meditation retreat not long before.) When I was done, he said, “Okay, bhante, I know what to do now.” Then he left. Some days later, he came crying again, “I stopped for three days. Then I started watching again!” “So, you stopped for three days,” I said, “That’s great! Previously you watched every day. You’ve improved.” He thought about it and stopped crying again. After getting more information about his situation, I gave him more stra...

There are some disagreements among Buddhists regarding homosexual acts. Some say such acts are considered sensual misconduct, while some say not. I’m not interested in settling their disagreements, but would like to share my understanding on the matter based on early Buddhist texts. Are homosexual acts considered sensual misconduct? You may be familiar with the concept of “sensual misconduct”, one of the five basic actions that lay Buddhists should train themselves to abstain from. Does it include homosexual acts? Here’s an English translation of the Pāli Suttas’ description of how one abstains from sensual misconduct: Abandoning sensual misconduct, he abstains from sensual misconduct. He does not get sexually involved with those who are protected by their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, their sisters, their relatives, or their Dhamma; those with husbands, those who entail punishments, or even those crowned with flowers by another man. There are two points to take note of: The...

Anxiety is a condition more common than most of us think, as people with the issue often hide it. While we may say it’s normal, it can be disruptive and make us feel out of control. This guide shows you how to deal with anxiety from various angles. Relieving the Tension Due to Anxiety Anxiety can cause much tension in the body, which can lead to further anxiety. So, it’s important to relieve yourself of the tension, which actually reduces your anxiety too. Notice how your body feels. Breathe. Keep breathing in a relaxed way as you feel your body. If there are anxious thoughts—be they related to current matters or long-gone events—don’t give them any special attention. You may find it useful to remind yourself repeatedly, “Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are just feelings.” As you do the above, don’t try to do anything to the tension or the thoughts. Just keep breathing relaxingly as you feel your body. Do this as often as you can throughout the day. When you want to sleep, or ...

I met a young woman at a Buddhist center, which she had been to many times to seek help for spirit disturbance. The members there had chanted for her, but it didn’t help, so they asked if I could chant for her. (I suppose they believed my chanting would be more powerful.) I decided to ask her for specifics about the disturbance, and she said it was like blaming her. I then asked her if she did anything different before this thing started. She said, “I attended a Guanyin  retreat.” “During that retreat, did you do anything that you felt guilty about?” “Yes.” “What was it?” “I flirted with a monk.” “And he…” “He flirted back.” “Then after the retreat you felt very bad about what you did.” “Yes.” “You criticized yourself.” “Yes.” “You did that a lot, until it couldn’t stop.” “Yes.” “So, you tried to push it away.” “Yes.” “But still it happened, except that it felt like it was somebody else doing it.” “Yes.” “So, you understand the problem now?” She nodded. “What you need to do now is ...

Say when you were a kid you broke your father’s phone. When he found out, he immediately gave you a hard slap in the face. You ran off and cried, not so much because of the pain, which had become only a reminder of what just happened, but because you couldn’t accept what your own father had just done to you. After a while, you calmed down. As you thought over what happened, you still couldn’t accept it. Besides, it wasn't the first time something like that had happened. Yet, you didn’t want to think badly of your own father, because if you did, it would be difficult to live with him. So, you ended up rationalizing what happened. You convinced yourself: What he did was right. I deserve it. Life is like that. When you make someone unhappy, they have the right to punish you. This is a common way we deal with suffering. We try to rationalize it, so that we can suppress our unhappy feelings. But is this really a good idea? In dealing with our sufferings this way, we create a distorte...

Open Awareness Meditation (OAM) has slowly but surely gained following in the Buddhist meditation world. As that happens, some people wonder if it is a new kind of meditation, and whether it leads to ending suffering. First of all, OAM is not something new. It’s just a modern name for satipaṭṭhāna (establishing of mindfulness). It’s a helpful new name to counter the popular misconception that meditation is necessarily about concentration. Instead of increasing concentration, OAM is about increasing awareness. Think of awareness as a light, and the mind as a room without windows. The stronger the light, the more we can see in the room. What we eventually want to see is the whole room, so that we can see all that is there, so that we can remove the useless stuff and clean out all the dirt in the room. To do that, we need to have a bright light. In the same way, we need to have a bright awareness, so that we can see all that is in the mind, so that we can remove the useless stuff and c...

Part 1 Some people on the spiritual path think that they should not be angry with others, especially their parents. They are okay about being angry with themselves though, and perhaps even regard it as a virtue. Anger is anger. Whomever or whatever you’re angry with, it’s still anger. No one kind of anger is more acceptable (or virtuous) than others. Anger is just anger. To see anger as yours complicates the matter, and therefore traps you within the pattern of anger. Anger is not your enemy (though neither is it your friend). Disliking anger is but another anger. With that, you have more anger, not less. Perhaps you think you need to dislike anger, so that you can control it, suppress it. Indeed, that is possible. But still, in doing so, you have more anger, not less. Not being able to feel it doesn’t mean it’s gone. In fact, you then have a bigger problem. Suppressed anger is like a bomb waiting to be triggered. While you might deem the suppression a virtue, or a spiritual nece...

Some Buddhists believe that by doing dāna (giving), especially to monks, they will have a long life, be wealthy, be beautiful (at least in the next life), and go to heaven. Some also believe that it can neutralize their bad kamma. Which of these are true, and which are not? Frankly, I don’t know. I can however tell you what the early Buddhist scriptures say about this. Firstly, Bhojana Sutta (AN5.37): “Bhikkhus, a donor who gives food gives the recipients five things. What five? One gives life, beauty, happiness, strength, and discernment. (1) Having given life, one partakes of life, whether celestial or human. (2) Having given beauty, one partakes of beauty, whether celestial or human. (3) Having given happiness, one partakes of happiness, whether celestial or human. (4) Having given strength, one partakes of strength, whether celestial or human. (5) Having given discernment, one partakes of discernment, whether celestial or human. (Translated from the Pāli by Bhikkhu Bodhi, The Nume...

When Ajahn Sumedho was a young monk, his teacher Ajahn Chah asked him to reflect on his virtues. Ajahn Chah must have noticed the young Ajahn Sumedho’s self-criticalness, and understood the need for him to recognize his own virtues. Notice that Ajahn Chah did not ask him to become more virtuous, but just to reflect on virtues that he already had. However, much as the young Ajahn Sumedho tried, he couldn’t think of any. That’s how it is when we have low self-esteem and thus low confidence. We may think so lowly of ourselves that we can’t recognize the good in us. Just as it was for the young Ajahn Sumedho, some of us lack confidence, which is important for happy living in this world, and also necessary for the ending of suffering. The Suttas offer two methods to cultivate confidence: recollection of our own good behaviour and recollection of our own generosity. Recollection of Good Behaviour Good behaviour includes acting out of integrity, bravery, honesty, prudence, etc. When we r...

A woman brought her husband to see me regarding his sleeping disorder. “When did it start” I asked. “More than 10 years ago,” he said. “What major thing happened in your life before this started?” “My dad died.” “You felt very sad about it?” He nodded. “You cried a lot?” He nodded. “You then forced yourself not to cry?” He nodded. “And then you had trouble sleeping.” He nodded, and his wife interjected, “That’s it. That’s why I ban him from going to any wake. Even if he just sees a wake happening from afar, surely for the whole night he won’t be able to sleep.” With the matter confirmed, I talked to him about death, helping him to see the reality and inevitability of death. He was very receptive. That was the first and the last time I saw him. But I did meet his wife about a month later, and took the chance to inquire about her husband. She said, “Oh, he can sleep now.”

Mindfulness of breathing or ānāpānasati is actually quite simple and easy. It’s also a very effective way to calm down anxiety and incessant thinking. Yet, some people who are in need of this say they can’t do it. Some who tried end up with so much tension—especially just above the middle of their eyebrows—that they simply had to give up. So, what’s happening here? I’ve met quite a number of such people and found out that it’s simply because they are doing it wrongly. Nowadays, when Buddhists speak of ānāpānasati, they often mean concentrating on the breathing sensation around the nose tip exclusively. However, that is not how ānāpānasati is described in the Suttas. There are a few differences: You do not focus exclusively around the nose tip. You just need to start by clearly knowing that you are breathing. After getting a hang of knowing that you’re breathing, you feel your whole body while breathing. After that, while breathing, you calm down the physical ‘effortin...

As a meditation teacher, I’ve met thousands of meditators. I’ve learnt that many have started meditation years ago yet remain stuck in their suffering. Meditation may have given them some relief (which may be why they still persist), but only temporarily. Why so? I see three basic reasons for this: 1. Mistaken Ideas about Meditation For them, meditation is about following a method. By persisting in that method, they believe they will one day somehow suffer less. In reality, however, ending suffering doesn’t happen that way. Although the Buddha did teach meditation methods—such as breathing mindfulness, cultivating loving-kindness, cultivating the perception of unattractiveness, etc.—they are not meant as complete ways to end suffering. They are only meant to fulfil certain principles of ending suffering. These methods are used to settle the mind if there is a need for them. The mind needs to be fairly settled to do the work of ending suffering. That’s the principle here. Here’s another...

It’s amazing how traditions tend to obscure the very teachings they claim to uphold. This phenomenon is seen in all long-established faiths or religions. A faith or religion that is “generally accepted or approved” is said to be “orthodox”. This word is usually viewed by religious people in a commendatory way, because it also means “following the older, more traditional practices strictly”. However, they forget that orthodoxy too is impermanent. What is orthodox now isn’t the same as what was orthodox in the past. Moreover, what is orthodox here isn’t the same as what is orthodox elsewhere. So, ultimately, orthodoxy is merely a state of being generally accepted or approved within a certain group at a certain time. It is said that the Buddha did not teach Buddhism. He taught the Dhamma. Then as his teaching got transmitted through the generations and to different places, various Buddhisms emerged. Some have died and some flourished, which then led to newer Buddhisms. To those who ca...

Around Kuala Lumpur, many Sunday Dhamma schools (SDSs) have become packed and some even have a waiting list. I believe most parents send their kids there because they believe that it will make their kids become better people (and some because it’s free daycare). Yet, again and again, I don’t see that happening. In fact, some kids even become averse to Buddhism because they were forced to attend. So, why are SDSs not producing the result that most parents want? More often than not, the teachers aren’t capable enough to teach Dhamma. They themselves may be still in need of learning Dhamma. Many of them are simply pushed into the role because there aren’t enough teachers. They may even be relatively new to Buddhism. The time spent in SDSs is very short compared to the time spent at home and in school. So, even if they provide good influence, it is weak compared to the influence elsewhere. So what can parents do to help their children become better people? Be the goo...

I happened to meet a man who knew me before he became a monk some months earlier, so that he could “repair his heart”. He asked me about how one could ‘Buddhistize’ one’s family. I said there’s no need to. “One just needs to cultivate oneself and the children will follow.” “So we shouldn’t force them to attend Buddhist class and chanting?” “Of course not. That will only make them dislike Buddhism,” I said. “Yes, that’s true. My elder daughter said, ‘Papa, you always talk about suffering, suffering, suffering. We’re already suffering enough! I don’t want to go anymore.’” I chuckled. After a pause I said, “What’s important is that you behave well. Children learn through imitation, and they have the innate ability to recognize good when they see it. When they see good in you, they are inclined to follow.” He nodded quietly. He then left to do something, but came again, eager to learn he could make things better. Seeing sincerity in him to improve himself, I spent two hours answering his q...

If you’ve had a good experience in an  open awareness  retreat, it’s likely that you’ll try to keep up the practice in your daily life—and find it more difficult than you thought. Indeed, it’s harder to practise in daily life than in a retreat. However, we can make it easier. To do that, we look at why it’s difficult, and what can be done about it. Busy life Some of us live a life that is too busy. In this situation, we can’t even remember to practise, much less allow the mind to settle. ACTION: Design an unhurried life. This sounds and is difficult. However, it’s worth doing one difficult thing for your long-term benefit and happiness. You’ll have to review your routine and identify the things that don’t really matter; e.g., mindless scrolling on social media, doing work for others who can do it themselves, consuming celebrity and sports news, etc. The more you can leave out the unnecessary, the more time and space you have for the necessary. Actively create the kind of ...

Usually, when we think of racism, we think of believing that one is superior to another based on race. However, it works the other way round too. One can believe that one is inferior to another based on race. In other words, one is being racist towards one’s own race. Now let me briefly broaden the subject. We can also believe that we are superior or inferior to another based on religious belief, or nationality, or even the language we speak—such as believing that you’re superior to another because you speak English and the other doesn’t. The pattern is essentially the same. So, basically, racism is based on the tendency to identify with a certain characteristic, taking that as who you are. However, in reality, you are not your race—just as you’re not your religious belief, or nationality, or the language you speak. Yet, we may identify with such things, taking them as who we are. Having formed a sense of something as who we are, we then form a sense of something else as who others ...

In spiritual teachings, Buddhism included, we often meet with the idea of acceptance. It means non-resisting the way things are. In itself, it’s kindness. More than that, it allows the mind to be composed, and see things as they are. My teacher, Sayadaw U Tejaniya, told us of an interesting encounter at a meditation retreat in Bali. A woman was having difficulty accepting something that had happened in her life. A helper tried to convince her to accept it, but she resisted. “How can I accept it?!” Realising that he couldn’t help her, he brought her to see the teacher. After hearing the story, he told her, “OK. Don’t try to accept. Just acknowledge.” The woman thought for a while and said, “This I can do.” Sayadaw then told us, “She can’t accept, but she can acknowledge, but actually they are the same!” Now, why couldn’t sh e accept the word accept? I think she perceived it as condoning or agreeing. But that’s not what acceptance mean, at least not in this context. It’s really just ackn...

Often, people deal with negative emotions by pushing them away. And this ’method‘ does seem to work when the emotion is weak. Since it seems to work, people tend to push negative emotions away whenever they arise. And eventually this ‘method’ becomes a habit. When the habit is established, people automatically try to do the same, even when the emotion is strong. If it doesn’t work, they will likely try harder. Then, maybe it works, or maybe not. Either way, there will be a time when it doesn’t work anymore, no matter how hard they try. At this point, they will be in a tight spot. Instead of getting yourself into this situation, it’s best to find the proper way to deal with negative emotions much earlier. But usually people do get into this situation first. So, let me share how you can deal with negative emotions in two parts: A. When You Automatically Try to Push Away Negative Emotions If you’re already in a tight spot as mentioned above, just do this simple practice: Feel the bod...

When people tell me about their problems, I sometimes come to see that the underlying issue is that they misunderstand escapism. And that misunderstanding stops them from leaving an unhealthy relationship or environment. For example: A person in an abusive relationship thinks that she shouldn’t leave, because she thinks that’s “escapism”. A person working in a toxic office environment thinks that he shouldn’t leave, because he thinks that’s “escapism”. Actually, their leaving can be called escaping, but not “escapism”. In fact, their leaving would be proper action, since it leads them out of suffering. What Escapism Really Means Escapism is about diverting your attention from something unpleasant happening in your life. That unpleasant thing may be in the physical world or just in your mind in the form of thoughts and feelings. Escapism may be done with the mind alone, or with the help of some physical activity or substance. For instance: Avoiding making decisions you need to mak...

From time to time, people come to me for advice on parenting, despite the fact that I have zero parenting experience. It suggests that they’ve gotten pretty frustrated. I try my best, but eventually I realize that the best for me is to draw from my experience of being parented. So let me start by telling you about my mother. (I’m sure she’s going to freak out when she reads this.) My Mother as an Exemplary Parent My mother has never read any book or attended any course on parenting. Yet, she has been an amazing parent. She has never spoiled or overprotected us. In fact, as soon as I was capable of doing certain household chores, she had me do them. She has also never made us feel small or like a failure. Neither has she ever been controlling. She is authoritative without being authoritarian. For example, when she learnt that I bullied my brother, she was sure to make me see that what I did was wrong. But I’ve never felt that she was controlling, or that she loved me less. Amazing, isn’...

Lay people generally have limited time for meditation retreats. Because of that, it makes sense that they want to make the best of the time they can afford. So, how can you do that? Firstly, have right information about the practice . How can we be sure we have right information? If it’s right, it should not lead us to increase stress. In fact, it should lead us to decrease stress. If it’s the opposite, it can’t be right information. Do not try to attain something , or else, you are sure to suffer more than you did before the retreat. Why? Because that’s cultivating greed, and with it you will—consciously or not—try to manipulate your mind to be as the way you want. This attitude puts you squarely on the wrong track. Instead of decreasing stress, you will increase it. What you need instead is to think of how you should practise : Are you having right attitude (which is the opposite of the above)? With right attitude, you are not trying to get something, nor are you trying to get rid...

The jhānas are not gained by trying to gain them. They are gained by abandoning that which prevents them, i.e. the “five hindrances”. So, instead of thinking about how to gain the jhānas, we need to think about how to abandon the five hindrances. There are basically two ways: Establishing of mindfulness Personalized practice for mental settling Establishing of Mindfulness This is usually taught first. We start with basic mindfulness, that is, observing the body: what the body does and how it feels. The idea is to establish proper mindfulness: remembering to be aware, remembering to relax, remembering the right view and right attitude. (For details on the basic practice, please refer to  Open Awareness Meditation: a quick introduction .) We need to learn how to maintain awareness all day long, which takes time and interest. When we can maintain awareness  persistently , mindfulness is said to be established. As one’s awareness grows stronger, one begins to notice...