Wise Awareness (​Kumāra Bhikkhu's Blog)

No one enjoys being criticized. But like it or not, being criticized is part of life. Once we can accept this, we can actually make use of criticism for our own growth, even if it is not well-intended. Here are some tips. Firstly, listen properly. What is actually being said? Try not to defend yourself immediately. If the criticism is specific, e.g., “What you did just now was selfish,” take some time to check for any truth in it. If you find the criticism valid, even if only partly, thank the person for telling you, and look into how you can do better in the future. If you’re unsure whether the criticism is valid, tell the person, “I don’t see it that way now, but let me reflect on it,” or “… let me pay more attention in the future.” If it seems clearly invalid to you, you can simply respond, “I hear you,” or just nod. Sometimes the criticism isn’t valid now, but it was valid in the past, and the critic hasn’t let go of it yet. In that case, you can still acknowledge it. You can sa...

Experienced doctors probably have noticed: Some patients don’t recover despite all personal efforts and medical treatments. In such cases, we should wonder what might be the reason for the illness. Could it be psychosomatic? For diabetes, it’s psychosomatic nature is a well-established scientific fact: “(Diabetes) is considered a typical psychosomatic disease as it often includes comorbid anxiety, depression, and insomnia.” (Source: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-023-28278-9 ) However, just saying the above is not useful enough for the patient. What is the anxiety about? What’s causing the depression? When science fails to give an answer, it makes sense to seek alternatives. How about referring to a psychic? After all, the patient has run out of options for a cure. Louise L Hay, the bestselling author You Can Heal Your Life, offers some possible psychological causes of diabetes: “Longing for what might have been. A great need to control. Deep sorrow. No sweetness left.” Inter...

Upon returning from a retreat I conducted, a woman told her 10-year-old son about me. He then said to her, “I want to meet the master!” A few months later, we met. I was expecting him to have much to say, but he just sat there quietly. After waiting for a while, I said, “Do you have anything to tell me?” He took deep breath and went, “Hhaihhhh….” I waited for him to say something after that, but he just sat there. I waited a while longer, then said, “If you have anything, just tell me.” He took another deep breath and went, “Hhaihhhh….” I waited and waited, and still nothing else came out of him. Obviously he came to see me for a reason, but he wasn’t saying it. So, what was I supposed to do? Then, I remembered something I happened to read about just about two weeks ago: art therapy. So, I gave him a piece of paper and a pen. (I wasn’t prepared with colouring stuff.) And I said, “Whatever you want to draw, just draw.” Then I left him alone. After a while, I went over and looked...

You might have experienced this: You haven't really gotten to know the person yet. Yet somehow you feel intensely attracted to this person. You just can’t help it. You have fallen in love—or so you may believe. Think about it: You barely know the person. So, what are you actually feeling so intensely attracted to? And why are you attracted to that? One of my students messaged me about meeting a new guy whom she was intensely attracted to. She said she remembered my caution against such a situation, and asked me if she should back off. I thought to myself, “Would it be useful to say anything?” Nope. But still I answered her, “Yes, it’s better to back off.” And still she got involved with him, and suffered till she couldn’t stand it anymore and broke off with him. When she told me about it months later, I couldn’t help but say, “I told you so.” Some people fall into this situation over and over. For example, the above person’s elder sister (who’s also my student) told me earlier ...

I have ADHD. While I personally know how important meditation is for people with ADHD, I also know how ADHD-unfriendly the traditional way of teaching meditation is. So, let me share some tips on meditation tailored to my fellow ADHDers. Before I do, let’s get a few things straight: We have ADHD. Most people don’t. We should not try to be like most people. We just need to be ourselves, which we already are, and do things in the way that works for us. For example, the sitting. It makes sense to start learning meditation with the sitting posture. However, don't try to sit for long periods. Do begin with very short sessions , like 5 minutes. Remember: Meditation is the work of the mind. So, it’s not how long you sit that matters; it’s how well you meditate, which has nothing to do with sitting. By the way, you don’t have to sit cross-legged. You can sit on a chair. We want to remember to be aware, to be conscious, instead of being lost in thoughts. So, ask yourself, “What am I doi...

It is widely believed that  samādhi  means “concentration”. This belief implies that to meditate, you need to concentrate, meaning focus your attention. Such a view has caused a variety of problems. Tension and Other Discomfort:  When you try to concentrate on something persistently, you may find it very difficult. The mind gets distracted. Then, in your effort to concentrate, you try harder to hold the mind to the object. In doing that, you eventually feel tense, especially between the eyebrows. If you continue the effort, you’ll feel tired or even nauseous. Grasping:  If you are able to concentrate, you have cultivated grasping. After all, when you practise concentration, you’re practising the ability to mentally grasp an object. That’s grasping. Heightened Liking and Disliking:  When you are able to concentrate, a tendency is created in the mind: It exaggerates things. Thus whatever the mind focuses on, be it something attractive or repulsive, the mind exagge...

Unless we’re highly awakened, it’s normal for us to get angry sometimes. However, if we somehow think we’re not supposed to be angry, we naturally shove down our anger, locking it away in our subconscious. This is suppressed anger, and it can cause trouble to our mental and physical well-being. To understand anger theoretically and practically, see Understanding Anger with Kindness . In this article, however, let me deal with venting suppressed anger. Now, we generally have the idea that it’s not good to vent our anger on someone. That’s plain common sense. However, if we have the idea that it’s not good to vent our anger at all, that’s taking an extreme view, which naturally makes us suppress our anger. Over time, this can lead to a host of issues, from anxiety and depression to headaches and high blood pressure. It may also cause chronic eczema. Recognizing the Signs of Suppressed Anger When we have suppressed our anger, we may cease to be conscious of the anger. In Buddhist speak,...

You may have heard of some Buddhist cults, but do you know what makes a group a cult? Psychiatrist Robert Jay Lifton, a highly regarded cult expert, defines a cult as having these characteristics in his paper Cult Formation : A charismatic leader, who increasingly becomes an object of worship as the general principles that may have originally sustained the group lose power. A process call[ed] coercive persuasion or thought reform. Economic, sexual, and other exploitation of group members by the leader and the ruling coterie. If your group has all these, it’s a full-blown cult. If it has only one of these, though not yet a full-blown cult, it can be considered cultish. I think the first and the last characteristics are clear enough. The second however needs some elaboration. Coercive persuasion or thought reform is more commonly known as “brainwashing” . It's a process in which a group or individual systematically uses unethically manipulative methods to persuade others to confor...

You can take this article as me cautioning the Buddhist community. Having been active in the Buddhist circle for 30 years, I’ve met some ‘Buddhist’ teachers who knowingly lead their followers into more suffering, while having them believe the opposite. By showing good behaviour, they gain trust. Then, they tell stories of themselves to gain sympathy or admiration, or both. Bit by bit, the victim changes: from believing “this is a good person” to “this is a great person”, whom he eventually feels very lucky to be associated with. He notices that followers of this teacher also seem to think the same, and that strengthens his belief. And so he joins their group. Unknowingly, he has become a member of a cult led by a psychopath. See 13 Clear Traits of a Psychopath : Now, of course the “great person” you are following may not be a psychopath at all, but how can you be sure? There’s only one way: Fact-check their stories . If they tell you fascinating stories of themselves related to th...

The fascination is understandable. Psychics, with their extrasensory perception and glimpses into the future, can be very enticing. But while the fascination can be a fun indulgence, it’s important to be aware of the potential dangers. Buddhists and followers of other faiths don’t need much convincing that psychic abilities are real, because psychicism is usually part of their belief system. Thus they are at a higher risk of being exploited by psychics. So, what are the dangers if you tend to be fascinated with psychics as a Buddhist? The ‘psychic’ may actually be a sociopathic psychopath Some people who appear to be psychic are actually psychopaths. People tend to think of psychopaths as cold-blooded killers due to how they are usually portrayed in the media, but most psychopaths aren’t physically violent. They are however necessarily good at mind-reading through facial expression, body language and way of speaking. As such they can easily pass themselves off as psychics. If a pe...

1. They lack sleep. These days, sleep deprivation is very common, especially among younger people. Many don’t even recognize it themselves, as they don’t feel any signs of it when they are busy working or having fun. Solution:  Sleep. Also, look into why you’re not getting enough sleep. You need to solve this not only for meditation, but also for your overall welfare and happiness. If you have trouble sleeping well, consider seeing a competent TCM or Ayurvedic doctor. 2. They are constipated. Being constipated, one is burdened with an unusual amount of toxicity in the body. This condition drags down one’s energy. Solution:  Deconstipate. Try natural solutions found at pharmacies. Also, do seek help to solve the underlying cause of your constipation. 3. They are dehydrated. Some people are regularly dehydrated yet don’t recognize it. The likely underlying reason is that they are habitually tensed up, such that they don’t feel thirsty until they are very...

Part 1 A young man came to me for help: He was addicted to porn. He cried as he told me, “If you can’t help me, then I don’t know what to do anymore.” Immediately, I felt sorry for him. I said to him, “There’s something good about you: You want to improve.” He thought about it, and stopped crying. Recognizing that fact seemed to help him feel better about himself. After discussing with him in order to understand his situation better, I suggested some strategies. (I didn’t have to go into the details of those strategies because he had attended my meditation retreat not long before.) When I was done, he said, “Okay, bhante, I know what to do now.” Then he left. Some days later, he came crying again, “I stopped for three days. Then I started watching again!” “So, you stopped for three days,” I said, “That’s great! Previously you watched every day. You’ve improved.” He thought about it and stopped crying again. After getting more information about his situation, I gave him more stra...

There are some disagreements among Buddhists regarding homosexual acts. Some say such acts are considered sensual misconduct, while some say not. I’m not interested in settling their disagreements, but would like to share my understanding on the matter based on early Buddhist texts. Are homosexual acts considered sensual misconduct? You may be familiar with the concept of “sensual misconduct”, one of the five basic actions that lay Buddhists should train themselves to abstain from. Does it include homosexual acts? Here’s an English translation of the Pāli Suttas’ description of how one abstains from sensual misconduct: Abandoning sensual misconduct, he abstains from sensual misconduct. He does not get sexually involved with those who are protected by their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, their sisters, their relatives, or their Dhamma; those with husbands, those who entail punishments, or even those crowned with flowers by another man. There are two points to take note of: The...

Anxiety is a condition more common than most of us think, as people with the issue often hide it. While we may say it’s normal, it can be disruptive and make us feel out of control. This guide shows you how to deal with anxiety from various angles. Relieving the Tension Due to Anxiety Anxiety can cause much tension in the body, which can lead to further anxiety. So, it’s important to relieve yourself of the tension, which actually reduces your anxiety too. Notice how your body feels. Breathe. Keep breathing in a relaxed way as you feel your body. If there are anxious thoughts—be they related to current matters or long-gone events—don’t give them any special attention. You may find it useful to remind yourself repeatedly, “Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are just feelings.” As you do the above, don’t try to do anything to the tension or the thoughts. Just keep breathing relaxingly as you feel your body. Do this as often as you can throughout the day. When you want to sleep, or ...

I met a young woman at a Buddhist center, which she had been to many times to seek help for spirit disturbance. The members there had chanted for her, but it didn’t help, so they asked if I could chant for her. (I suppose they believed my chanting would be more powerful.) I decided to ask her for specifics about the disturbance, and she said it was like blaming her. I then asked her if she did anything different before this thing started. She said, “I attended a Guanyin  retreat.” “During that retreat, did you do anything that you felt guilty about?” “Yes.” “What was it?” “I flirted with a monk.” “And he…” “He flirted back.” “Then after the retreat you felt very bad about what you did.” “Yes.” “You criticized yourself.” “Yes.” “You did that a lot, until it couldn’t stop.” “Yes.” “So, you tried to push it away.” “Yes.” “But still it happened, except that it felt like it was somebody else doing it.” “Yes.” “So, you understand the problem now?” She nodded. “What you need to do now is ...

Say when you were a kid you broke your father’s phone. When he found out, he immediately gave you a hard slap in the face. You ran off and cried, not so much because of the pain, which had become only a reminder of what just happened, but because you couldn’t accept what your own father had just done to you. After a while, you calmed down. As you thought over what happened, you still couldn’t accept it. Besides, it wasn't the first time something like that had happened. Yet, you didn’t want to think badly of your own father, because if you did, it would be difficult to live with him. So, you ended up rationalizing what happened. You convinced yourself: What he did was right. I deserve it. Life is like that. When you make someone unhappy, they have the right to punish you. This is a common way we deal with suffering. We try to rationalize it, so that we can suppress our unhappy feelings. But is this really a good idea? In dealing with our sufferings this way, we create a distorte...

Open Awareness Meditation (OAM) has slowly but surely gained following in the Buddhist meditation world. As that happens, some people wonder if it is a new kind of meditation, and whether it leads to ending suffering. First of all, OAM is not something new. It’s just a modern name for satipaṭṭhāna (establishing of mindfulness). It’s a helpful new name to counter the popular misconception that meditation is necessarily about concentration. Instead of increasing concentration, OAM is about increasing awareness. Think of awareness as a light, and the mind as a room without windows. The stronger the light, the more we can see in the room. What we eventually want to see is the whole room, so that we can see all that is there, so that we can remove the useless stuff and clean out all the dirt in the room. To do that, we need to have a bright light. In the same way, we need to have a bright awareness, so that we can see all that is in the mind, so that we can remove the useless stuff and c...

Part 1 Some people on the spiritual path think that they should not be angry with others, especially their parents. They are okay about being angry with themselves though, and perhaps even regard it as a virtue. Anger is anger. Whomever or whatever you’re angry with, it’s still anger. No one kind of anger is more acceptable (or virtuous) than others. Anger is just anger. To see anger as yours complicates the matter, and therefore traps you within the pattern of anger. Anger is not your enemy (though neither is it your friend). Disliking anger is but another anger. With that, you have more anger, not less. Perhaps you think you need to dislike anger, so that you can control it, suppress it. Indeed, that is possible. But still, in doing so, you have more anger, not less. Not being able to feel it doesn’t mean it’s gone. In fact, you then have a bigger problem. Suppressed anger is like a bomb waiting to be triggered. While you might deem the suppression a virtue, or a spiritual nece...

Some Buddhists believe that by doing dāna (giving), especially to monks, they will have a long life, be wealthy, be beautiful (at least in the next life), and go to heaven. Some also believe that it can neutralize their bad kamma. Which of these are true, and which are not? Frankly, I don’t know. I can however tell you what the early Buddhist scriptures say about this. Firstly, Bhojana Sutta (AN5.37): “Bhikkhus, a donor who gives food gives the recipients five things. What five? One gives life, beauty, happiness, strength, and discernment. (1) Having given life, one partakes of life, whether celestial or human. (2) Having given beauty, one partakes of beauty, whether celestial or human. (3) Having given happiness, one partakes of happiness, whether celestial or human. (4) Having given strength, one partakes of strength, whether celestial or human. (5) Having given discernment, one partakes of discernment, whether celestial or human. (Translated from the Pāli by Bhikkhu Bodhi, The Nume...

When Ajahn Sumedho was a young monk, his teacher Ajahn Chah asked him to reflect on his virtues. Ajahn Chah must have noticed the young Ajahn Sumedho’s self-criticalness, and understood the need for him to recognize his own virtues. Notice that Ajahn Chah did not ask him to become more virtuous, but just to reflect on virtues that he already had. However, much as the young Ajahn Sumedho tried, he couldn’t think of any. That’s how it is when we have low self-esteem and thus low confidence. We may think so lowly of ourselves that we can’t recognize the good in us. Just as it was for the young Ajahn Sumedho, some of us lack confidence, which is important for happy living in this world, and also necessary for the ending of suffering. The Suttas offer two methods to cultivate confidence: recollection of our own good behaviour and recollection of our own generosity. Recollection of Good Behaviour Good behaviour includes acting out of integrity, bravery, honesty, prudence, etc. When we r...

A woman brought her husband to see me regarding his sleeping disorder. “When did it start” I asked. “More than 10 years ago,” he said. “What major thing happened in your life before this started?” “My dad died.” “You felt very sad about it?” He nodded. “You cried a lot?” He nodded. “You then forced yourself not to cry?” He nodded. “And then you had trouble sleeping.” He nodded, and his wife interjected, “That’s it. That’s why I ban him from going to any wake. Even if he just sees a wake happening from afar, surely for the whole night he won’t be able to sleep.” With the matter confirmed, I talked to him about death, helping him to see the reality and inevitability of death. He was very receptive. That was the first and the last time I saw him. But I did meet his wife about a month later, and took the chance to inquire about her husband. She said, “Oh, he can sleep now.”

Mindfulness of breathing or ānāpānasati is actually quite simple and easy. It’s also a very effective way to calm down anxiety and incessant thinking. Yet, some people who are in need of this say they can’t do it. Some who tried end up with so much tension—especially just above the middle of their eyebrows—that they simply had to give up. So, what’s happening here? I’ve met quite a number of such people and found out that it’s simply because they are doing it wrongly. Nowadays, when Buddhists speak of ānāpānasati, they often mean concentrating on the breathing sensation around the nose tip exclusively. However, that is not how ānāpānasati is described in the Suttas. There are a few differences: You do not focus exclusively around the nose tip. You just need to start by clearly knowing that you are breathing. After getting a hang of knowing that you’re breathing, you feel your whole body while breathing. After that, while breathing, you calm down the physical ‘effortin...

As a meditation teacher, I’ve met thousands of meditators. I’ve learnt that many have started meditation years ago yet remain stuck in their suffering. Meditation may have given them some relief (which may be why they still persist), but only temporarily. Why so? I see three basic reasons for this: 1. Mistaken Ideas about Meditation For them, meditation is about following a method. By persisting in that method, they believe they will one day somehow suffer less. In reality, however, ending suffering doesn’t happen that way. Although the Buddha did teach meditation methods—such as breathing mindfulness, cultivating loving-kindness, cultivating the perception of unattractiveness, etc.—they are not meant as complete ways to end suffering. They are only meant to fulfil certain principles of ending suffering. These methods are used to settle the mind if there is a need for them. The mind needs to be fairly settled to do the work of ending suffering. That’s the principle here. Here’s another...

It’s amazing how traditions tend to obscure the very teachings they claim to uphold. This phenomenon is seen in all long-established faiths or religions. A faith or religion that is “generally accepted or approved” is said to be “orthodox”. This word is usually viewed by religious people in a commendatory way, because it also means “following the older, more traditional practices strictly”. However, they forget that orthodoxy too is impermanent. What is orthodox now isn’t the same as what was orthodox in the past. Moreover, what is orthodox here isn’t the same as what is orthodox elsewhere. So, ultimately, orthodoxy is merely a state of being generally accepted or approved within a certain group at a certain time. It is said that the Buddha did not teach Buddhism. He taught the Dhamma. Then as his teaching got transmitted through the generations and to different places, various Buddhisms emerged. Some have died and some flourished, which then led to newer Buddhisms. To those who ca...

Around Kuala Lumpur, many Sunday Dhamma schools (SDSs) have become packed and some even have a waiting list. I believe most parents send their kids there because they believe that it will make their kids become better people (and some because it’s free daycare). Yet, again and again, I don’t see that happening. In fact, some kids even become averse to Buddhism because they were forced to attend. So, why are SDSs not producing the result that most parents want? More often than not, the teachers aren’t capable enough to teach Dhamma. They themselves may be still in need of learning Dhamma. Many of them are simply pushed into the role because there aren’t enough teachers. They may even be relatively new to Buddhism. The time spent in SDSs is very short compared to the time spent at home and in school. So, even if they provide good influence, it is weak compared to the influence elsewhere. So what can parents do to help their children become better people? Be the goo...